last night i was trying to sleep. i was probably trying too hard because my thoughts were getting really disturbing. in the middle of desperately trying not to lose count of sheep i became suddenly aware of the present. The present date that is, the end of february. march is starting next week. April comes next.

And ill be older once more.

Its not that im worried of wrinkles. I hate birthdays now for some weird reason. And it goes by the name of Regret. I cant help feeling a little pensive about the way i have lived my life so far. I cant help thinking that i shouldve started really LIVING my life 10 years ago. Come to think of it,  Im a decade late!

Its when you're older and wiser that you get to realize how much time and opportunity youve wasted trying to find fulfillment and that 'something' you cant quite define yet but you know that you want it? its called discontent. And that you realize that all the  times you spent trying to find a life is a complete waste. Because life is never searched. Its the search itself.

...to be continued.

 

Im not going to talk about the holidays. It used to be my favorite time of the year coz it has always been so magical...but last Christmas was as uneventful as kamote. I wouldnt call it special. no,no.

I spent New Year's Day moping. How fun!!! I just hope that means im getting nonstop adventure and a whole lot more the rest of the year. Hopefully im hoping against hope that my life is gonna change for the better this year. I dont need to draw out a resolution for that. Coz hoping is free...

I was at a wedding last night. My good friend Maricel came back from romantic Paree to get married here. Now that is something. I wonder how couples decide to get married. At what point in a relationship do you finally give up the lust for a life of your own? Honestly, i am as clueless as hell. Ive always admired my married friends for having the guts to do that. Coz man,for me it would take a lot of brainstorming. How can it be that easy????

Most of them are so into me and my civil status. They say i should be married by now. I say...i dont get it. Do i have to conform to what society dictates because it could make me a lesser woman? Or does it already? Its sad because in a sense i feel discriminated. In a way, i want to be married just so i could be like everyone else and not get lost in the diaper conversation. Coz hey, i sense a certain pride in a woman with a gold band on her ring finger.( whatever that pride is about,hak!). On the other hand, i just dont see the ultimately magnonimous necessity in tying the knot for life. Forgive me if i sound like im sourgraping. Honestly, im just really fed up with people tryng to question (and criticize) my personality, my sexuality, mentality, preferences, ambitions, my state of mind ,even, and most of all my fuckin' capacity to feel. I am not a cyborg, for crying out loud!

But marriage seems to be too religious. Its fanatic. At this point in my life i can choose to be numb. I can choose to be unfazed by so-called ticking clocks. I am not delusional to say that I am complete without having to make out with Jerry Maguire on the front porch. I think i found myself. Maybe that's why im smiling.

so where was i?

last i checked i was into Britney. So ok, since i have to pick up from that last post i have to make sure i keep Britney in the topic. but hell, what's with the post intimacy video?

ah, love, life and other mysteries. sore point of conversation but one could never really resist the urge to talk about it... or so i was blabbering. i used to feel so stupid talking about it coz ive always believed that baring your heart and soul is nudity in a very pornographic level. and that you become too vulnerable and tasteless in the end. but i think now that im older, wiser, more twisted that paper twine, i have learned that emotions stink when theyre kept too long. i dont wanna reek. so i watch, i hear, i learn from the mistakes of others coz im too much of a coward to make my own. HAR. but then im also trying to make some of my own as an understudy.get? though im not excited.

i find it really weird that i dont even know what im talking about. so ill leave this as it is and just hope i dont freakin mess this one up before it has a chance to turn into rose champagne. Britney's favorite, by the way. tatah!

I didnt hybernate from flirting like everybody thinks. Some friends are even surprised that im flirting like im this poor little nugget that finally learned how to ride her little bike.
Yeah, its been a while since i last had a fanciful misengagement of sort. And by 'a while' i mean a couple of jurrasic eras ago. Now if you've been watching 'A land before time'...HEY NOW.
Of course i wasnt utterly into the flirting scene before. Like i know how anyway. But i met this guy and suddenly im all for Britney. Now that is really scary because i dont even dig her tacky ensemble! No, that guy dont like Britney. That's not what i meant. Its when u meet someone and you get that feeling that Britney is divorcing Kevin in 2 days. You think its it but youre not entirely sure about it coz there are a thousand other things that you dont know and wanted to know but cant somehow? It gives you a good eight hours of your bedtime filling in the missing puzzle on your own. And just when you think youre ready to really go to sleep, out comes daylight. And so you just take a shower and swear by the name of Ricky Martin that you will never ever again get yourself fooled by mismatched puzzle pieces that never should have been in that frame in the first place.

To be continued.....

wow. Its been a while. Ive been to manila and back. I was there for a week just for the heck of it. Of course i didnt tell my parents i went there just ot see my brother and my friends. Or take advantage of a long vacation just so i could get some new pics on my cam even it if it meant cutting off 2 days of work. Of course i had to come up with a plausible reason for spending bucks on airfare even if i had to personally pay for it. I had to tell them i have to be at this really important wedding. I didnt exactly lie, there really is a wedding taking place in manila..on the 30th...of November. Just call it a momentary shutdown in my concept of time that I went there a month earlier.

I get to meet my dear friends. The frineds that im so lucky to have coz they keep me insane. Friends who GET me without trying too hard even if i dont get myself sometimes. Its refreshing to again finally spend time with people you dont need to explain, introduce, provide meaning to every phrase, every BRAND, every single freakin expression there is in the world!! Theyre like Evian for my parched glamazonia skin. And talk about water, i thought that was only what Brian and Barbs would have for lunch because our conversation topic seemed to always go back to weight loss. But of course, weight topics can only get even more interesting when youre in front of a crunchy, pepperoni-laden pizza and some cheesy pasta. i mean cmon. Thats why its just a topic and NEVER a RELIGION.

i stayed with my brother. And his apartment is nicer than last i left it. Well he used to occupy the middle room. now hes transfered to the corner apartment that got windows all over. At least he gets a bit of sun. He has a dining table now. (Imagine we used to eat in the bed!) And hes got a TV and DVD. My cousin Ron also flew in from wherever in the world to stay there for a week before going home to La Carlota City. The 3 of us brought a barbeque grill and bought fish and meat and whatever 'grillable' coz my bro doesnt have a stove. He only has a microwave and a rice cooker. Like, i dont get it. How can he live for microwavable food???? At least now he can grill. Thanks to us who lives for real food.

I had a great time. I was there for a week and i felt like i had gone all over Luzon. I cant wait to be back to see if Brian's oatmeal diet worked or if Barb's curls had finally given up or if my brother can grill a cockroach. I would wanna be back to see myself ever so UNPARCHED.

Very soon i hope. I just need to work my ass off to pay for airfare. Otherwise, I would need rowing lessons.

if only for you, pika(http://lifebeforesunset.bravejournal.com)!

i just read this pika blog entry about quarterlife crisis and as much as i hate to admit it, i can relate. and yes, to every single thing in there.

sweet quarterlife, indeed. its the time of our lives when we get so emotional about everything. mine is no ordinary confusion. i dont know if its just some episodal crisis or im just bound to live my whole life in a perpetually confused state. im decisive, though, and i can decide without even thinking. so most of the time it confuses everyone else around me too.

my job is taking its toll on my social life. the only thing that's making me stay is my willpower and sheer determination to break my proud record of holding a job for a year before getting totally burned out. now ive stayed for more than a year only because i hate to be financially dependent. its not that i couldnt get along with anyone, or couldnt handle responsibilities, in fact, ive been commended for my performance from my previous jobs!

Then what is it ? Let's just call it  my big ancient problem of wanting to do something different all the time. i just feel so restless when i get boxed in.  If i wake up and i can exactly picture myself doing specific things from 8-5, then i know id rather stay in bed and whisk my soul to timbuktu. I need anticipation, the excitement of the unknown, the great divide-- in every single freakin day of my life to stay sane. and  If i get stuck in a routine i lose my focus. i lose my  energy. i lose pro-active enzymes in my system.  i lose my mind!

oh, and men indeed are from mars...and women.. from an asylum. maybe its just time for me sit back and watch men drift by in their gossamer choco fillings and rope out someone with enough elemental substance to make me wanna read tolstoy all over again.

then again, maybe all i need is a raspberry crepe.

i got lovebirds. they're so cute and colorful to look at and all they ever do is flirt with each other until death. it seems to them that a mate is the only thing ever worth living for ( on a human perspective,well, id rather not comment on that). i got a nice spacious cage to fit all eight of them and give them enough room to fly,flutter,and flirt themselves into oblivion. its a bright and contained universe in there and they seem...perky. i dont know how they all keep those oxytoxins at such a dangerous level.

as dangerous as the level of public knowledge about some killer plague called the new sex scandal. this guy lost his mobile phone with all the pictures of his oxytoxin-ridden affairs with a girlfriend. not a lot knew about it at first. but to whoever the couple came for advice to, i'd say you should've put down the paper and finish your oj first before you muttered that one destructive advice - 'report to the authorities'. and you think the authorities are authoritative. there's no better way to sensationalize a scandal. much less a 'not-so-marketable' one called SEX. so instead of 10 homies looking at your graphic pictures from a phone they picked up somewhere, you've now got it on the whole island's mobile gallery. very nice move. and they say they're filing a case. i wonder if an entire island population could fit into a city courtroom.

what would i do if i were in that girl's place? ahhh. horrible horrible thought. my friend May says she feels sorry for the couple. I pity them too. imagine your whole family, up to the 9th degree of consaguinity scrolling on your dinner menu. OH HORROR. You'd wish alien abduction on yourself and plead to be dissected.

The moral of the story: if you dont want a scandal, then dont create one.

i need a pet. a live one hello. i was thinking of birds last month and mentioned it to my mom. she took it casually like she had not a care in the world if i suddenly drag a helpless giraffe up our doorstep. So i brainstormed that week. whew! windy. And i i was thinking that its really sick to see them all caged in (the birds, not giraffes),...(to be continued, im late for dinner)

i CANST believe it. the world's greatest NBA fan has gotten it all wrong. First, he got confused with the Finals date, then our team lost. It couldn't get any gloomier than this. Hence, i SHALT drop the freakin' subject everyone's getting freaked about.

Ok,I take it back. Some subjects are even gloomier that the Pistons' loss. Like renal failure.

Yesterday, a friend and I visited another friend's dad at the hospital. A few days ago she told us that they had to bring him in coz he was having nonstop hiccups. We laughed at first. She laughed too. I mean, whoever got nonstop hiccups must have stolen an entire poultry farm. But this was something else. Her dad hiccuped all the way to a sleepless night. it was so weird. Then the night before they took him to the hospital he started vomiting and was getting really pale.

The doctor at the hospital did some tests and found out his creatinine (whatever that is, something to do with the kidney maybe) was unusually high. almost 9 times above normal. So we found out the doc suggested blood transfusion. I find it all so gory, really. 3 bags???eeeew.

So we got to the hospital yesterday and found him reading a children's book. He seems to be fine though he couldnt hear very well. They say its because of all the meds he's taking. But i felt something was off. Her dad used to be a very cheerful, coherent guy. But yesterday though he was trying to laugh he was talking about the same thing over and over again. He was disoriented. I looked at my guy friend and he gave me that  'something-is-really-wrong' look. So i mentioned it to my friend and his brother and they said when their sister came in that afternoon they laughed about the way he talked about petty things over and over again. I dont think its normal. Its all the meds, they say.

So we went home.

The next day,my friend Jane did'nt show up for work. Then the phone rang and Jal, the other friend i went to the hospital with, answered. I heard him say "Jane? Jane?" then handed the phone over to me. Jane was crying on the other line. Scary. She said her dad couldnt recognize them. That his feet and and hands were swelling.That his stomach's bloated. And they're doing another test on him. A company doctor we asked said he has to go through dialysis right away. If he gets seizures and fall into coma that would really be dangerous. And were all worried that its gonna cost too much and Jane couldnt afford it being the breadwinner and all. And us not being able to loan her anything coz were broke too. So we said we'd pray for her.

Then late that morning another breaking news much more 'gloomier' than renal failure hit us. The company doctor we called earlier that morning had to rush back home an hour of ferry ride and 4 hours drive away. Her sister and her sister's husband were shot to death. Now, I dont think gloomy could ever come close to describing this.

Up to now we dont have the details yet as to Jane's dad's condition or who  shot doc's sister and brother-in-law and why or where. All i know is that is raining outside and were swamped with bad news today. I hope tomorrow ill wake up to sunshine. Gloom sucks.

the NBA hype. Spurs and Pistons are two of the most uttered words in the office these days. And i just find it so funny how everybody's world gets turned upsidedown by a mere ballgame. I have 6 other officemates here and fifteen others from another branch two hours away. And by late afternoon today, I got myself into a bet for that surely exciting, nerve-wrenching Game 7 on Saturday.
The plan is we'll watch the game togeher in an officemate's house with a wide screeen plasma TV (if we could ever find such a house) and since the game begins at 9am, the bet just had to be LUNCH. And hopefully not just any pica pica lunch. It should be the real thing. Like caviar and fine wine, lobsters and steak.
And this is just about the most exciting thing to do this weekend. Pathetic, i know. And if the Pistons lose,then damnation's gonna rain on me.

today has been exhausting. setting up this journal takes a lot of waiting! not to mention texting pests that i have to meet like right about now. so even if there's a lot i wanna write about i have to leave it like this. Blast it.