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January 9, 2006

2:57 AM

happy happy joy joy

  • Mood: pensive..
  • Music: tomorrow morning by jack johnson
Im not going to talk about the holidays. It used to be my favorite time of the year coz it has always been so magical...but last Christmas was as uneventful as kamote. I wouldnt call it special. no,no. I spent New Year's Day moping. How fun!!! I just hope that means im getting nonstop adventure and a whole lot more the rest of the year. Hopefully im hoping against hope that my life is gonna change for the better this year. I dont need to draw out a resolution for that. Coz hoping is free... I was at a wedding last night. My good friend Maricel came back from romantic Paree to get married here. Now that is something. I wonder how couples decide to get married. At what point in a relationship do you finally give up the lust for a life of your own? Honestly, i am as clueless as hell. Ive always admired my married friends for having the guts to do that. Coz man,for me it would take a lot of brainstorming. How can it be that easy???? Most of them are so into me and my civil status. They say i should be married by now. I say...i dont get it. Do i have to conform to what society dictates because it could make me a lesser woman? Or does it already? Its sad because in a sense i feel discriminated. In a way, i want to be married just so i could be like everyone else and not get lost in the diaper conversation. Coz hey, i sense a certain pride in a woman with a gold band on her ring finger.( whatever that pride is about,hak!). On the other hand, i just dont see the ultimately magnonimous necessity in tying the knot for life. Forgive me if i sound like im sourgraping. Honestly, im just really fed up with people tryng to question (and criticize) my personality, my sexuality, mentality, preferences, ambitions, my state of mind ,even, and most of all my fuckin' capacity to feel. I am not a cyborg, for crying out loud! But marriage seems to be too religious. Its fanatic. At this point in my life i can choose to be numb. I can choose to be unfazed by so-called ticking clocks. I am not delusional to say that I am complete without having to make out with Jerry Maguire on the front porch. I think i found myself. Maybe that's why im smiling.
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